Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.