[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
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Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
We found love in a hopeless place.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”