*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
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HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
My Plans 2020
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!