Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
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[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry