A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
You Might Also Like
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.