My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
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I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
My Plans 2020
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.