Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
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mmm onion ringos
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Spring cleaning checklist…
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?