hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
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My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed