Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
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The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”