[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
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Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.