[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
You Might Also Like
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
It do be feeling this way.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.