god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
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me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
can’t believe I got front row seats
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t