Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
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*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.