Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Born to be mild.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
me
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
the three branches of government
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*