WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
You Might Also Like
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.