horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
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advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.