I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.