boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
me working on my assignments ^-^
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.