*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
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I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.