Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
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I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Time for evil
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.