Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
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Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
No one :
Me when I swimming :
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.