To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Perfect
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
that lip filler tho
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭