Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
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[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Bloody internet 😳
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.