Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
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Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here