‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
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My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”