My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
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Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
getting old is fun
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Straight people are cancelled
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.