Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Still my favourite meme.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
best first i’ve ever seen
Nice try, NASA
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
o shit
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩