Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
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Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
every. time.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.