If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
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dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Dishonest mechanic?
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.