girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
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Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
#parenting
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.