felt that
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Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey