I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
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“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?