ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
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Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.