* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
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Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
found this cool rock hiking today
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
The pen is writier than the sword.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school