Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
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sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.