My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
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[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.