he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
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Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
School be like
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.