(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa