“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.