Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
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What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”