My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :