I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
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For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes鈥itronella.
Walt Disney:
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: 鈥淲hat on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it鈥檚 the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I鈥檝e had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 馃槏馃コ馃コ馃コ they left a first-floor window unlocked and i鈥檓 just walking around in here!
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she鈥檚 actually wearing makeup.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it鈥檚 because his New Year鈥檚 resolution is to drink more water.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa