Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard