just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 馃拃
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There鈥檚 two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I respect women so much I don鈥檛 even talk to them
oh you love me? name every curb i鈥檝e ever hit while driving
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
A saltwater crocodile鈥檚 bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C鈥檓ere! I鈥檝e got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
This dude got his own movie?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school