There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
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THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.