[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
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If looks could kill
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Generation gap…
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…