Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
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If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”