I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.