You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
hey, alexa
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!