Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
You Might Also Like
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Not helping
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver